Terrorist Pie Attack Spoils Otherwise Dignified Radar Launch Party

We tried to get out, but they keep pulling us back in. Exceeding even the "enthralled" predictions of "die-hard fans" like ourselves, Maer Roshan's minions tried to pie Nick Denton at the Radar launch party last night. And we really, really wanted to move on. But ... the pie missed. Missed. Presenting: the most painfully obvious metaphor in the perceivable human universe for the Roshan-Denton tiff.

If the assault had succeeded, and if we were all gazing appreciatively this morning at glorious photos of Denton's custard-splattered mug ... well, we'd probably be banging out the first post of the newly created "Roshanist" blog. But we do not grade on the curve in this class. Given the stellar lineup on the Radar masthead and business side, isn't there a single good arm in the lot? Apparently the unsuccessful piessassin was a goon belonging to publicist Nadine Johnson, which should spell out the motives behind the stunt in bold-type letters FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE. But any aspiring publicist who can't hit a large-headed man with a pie at a few paces isn't going to have much luck slinging bullshit through a fax machine. Choke. Send that kid back to the gimp box at NJ, Inc.

Denton retaliated for the near-miss by pouring his wine on Roshan's head, which caused the enraged mag editor to rip off one of his fire-engine-red Manolos and whipsaw Denton with the four-inch heel. Denton kept him at bay with a few toe kicks and by raising his arms in his coat in order to appear larger. The two circled and snarled like housecats in heat until Denton sprang low and sank his incisors into Roshan's meaty thigh. Shrieking with rage, Roshan grabbed two precarious handfuls of Denton's hair and yanked with abandon. They tumbled over and behind the bar and were only subdued after being repeatedly doused with pitchers of top-shelf cosmopolitans. We have all this on good authority.

However, we're at a loss to explain the following, from Gawker's take on the subject:

As the boys were a wee bit messy after their spat, Roshan had to leave his own party for an hour while he and Denton went up to Roshan’s room to change into some clean clothes. Denton borrowed Roshan’s jeans (they were a bit large, we hear) and running shoes, then spiced the ensemble up with a t-shirt from Roshan’s boy-toy. Maer, we can assume, changed into one of his several spare Zara suits.
They took an HOUR to change clothes? Now that Denton has gotten into Roshan's pants, walked a mile in his shoes, and taken the shirt off his (boy-toy's) back, perhaps these two crazy kids can put aside their differences and make it work, after all. Regardless, we vote for a time-out on both parties and their posses. Unless this escalates into Bad Boy vs. Death Row territory, we're going to maintain radio silence on the feud as a sign of respeck for the peace. Join us, won't you. We're really going to try this time. Please join us, for God's sake.

UPDATE, YOU CEASELESSLY HOWLING BITCHES: Well, at least we get to skip lunch since we'll be running out to the suicide store for sleeping pills and a single hollowpoint round. Turns out Denton took more of a pasting than originally reported. And now we're told the assailant wasn't a Nadine Johnson goon after all -- rather, an "unidentified man in a blue baseball cap" did the deed, then fled the scene. Who's first to claim responsibility or issue a j'accuse? Krucoff?

Roshan was both "horrified" and "saddened" by the incident, which redefines the notions of horror and sadness in a very positive direction. Still, if the assailant wasn't a Roshan plant, then we can expect a tautly worded apolo ... er, statement from Denton regarding the prematurely vengeful wine-dumping on his putative host. Radar's online item is justifiably gleeful in exacting more than a pound of flesh over that act, and we have to admire the cool execution of placing several Denton-targeted character assassinations right alongside pious and laughably insincere statements of concern from Roshan. And the photos are indeed glorious. Welcome to the new NEW low!

AND FINALLY: Denton's blow-by-blow. Hope you weren't planning to read about anything else for the next five thousand years.